


If My Answers Scare You

by verucasalt123



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels are Dicks (Supernatural), Between Seasons/Series, Broken Sam Winchester, Demon Summoning, Demons, Demons Are Assholes, Desperate Sam Winchester, Episode: s07e23 Survival of the Fittest, Episode: s08e01 We Need to Talk About Kevin, Ficlet, Gen, Hurt Sam Winchester, Insomniac Sam Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, Possible Character Death, Prayer, Prompt Fill, Purgatory, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-26 23:19:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18726892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verucasalt123/pseuds/verucasalt123
Summary: This ficlet is for Lennelle's prompt:Sam between season seven and season eight. What was he up to before he ran over the dog?over on OhSam's birthday fic post.





	If My Answers Scare You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lennelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lennelle/gifts).



> Please note there is also a mention of the possible future harm to/death of a child in this story. I'm (obviously) an over-tagger but I couldn't find the right one for mentioning this thing that might but does not actually happen.

The last time Sam summons Crowley, it takes him two days to recover. 

Well, two days before he can stand up without getting dizzy. 

Actual recovery, at this point, seems fairly unlikely. Sam doesn’t remember what it feels like to sleep when he’s tired or eat when he’s hungry. The fingers on his left hand probably won’t ever work right again after having sliced open that palm so very many times. 

Purgatory had been the first guess, the best guess. Dean’s got to be in Purgatory, Sam thinks once he starts thinking again (seven or eight minutes after everyone disappeared). The Leviathan came from there, so they go back there when they die. They’re monsters. This is logic.

If Dean’s not in Purgatory, then. Well. But surely that’s where he is. 

And that’s where it starts. 

Sam knows how to summon a demon. Could teach a graduate level class on the subject. Except that Crowley, apparently, won’t be summoned. There’s the familiar shocky feeling when he throws the matches into the bowl, but the flame disappears immediately and extinguishes the feeling of magic and the spell all at once.

So, regular demons, then. All right. But those fuckers are no help. They have no idea where his brother is. Sam cuts on a fair few of them pretty badly, but eventually gives up. There’s no information to be had, and it’s not like Crowley’s going to come swooping in to rescue Stunt Demon #5 from being sliced up by a Winchester.

He even tries a crossroads demon once. I mean, you never know. He ends up killing her on principle and walking away after digging up his stupid box.

Before and after and in between, he prays. To Castiel first, always, of course. Then just to...whoever. Sam knows he’s not winning any popularity contests in Heaven, on his own merits and by virtue of his association with Castiel. They’ve got their own shit going on, obviously, or they’re just ignoring him. It’s ridiculous to think God’s going to turn up now. Not for Sam, or for Dean, or even for Cas. And God had even brought Cas back from the dead once (or twice) upon a time. 

Down that road is nothing good, though. Cas has been dead before, and he could certainly be dead now, which means Dean could. Be. Not in Purgatory. 

There’s no help to be had. Crowley’s got Kevin. Angels and demons aren’t playing ball. Sam stares at Jody’s name in his contacts more times than he can count but he can’t bring himself to drag her into this. Bobby is dead. Dean and Cas are possibly not.

In the motel room where he’d summoned Crowley for the very last time, Sam tends his wounds and clicks through the cable channels. He lands on Pulp Fiction right where Jules is telling Vincent about how he’s going to leave behind his old life and _walk the Earth...like Caine in Kung-Fu_. And he remembers watching those re-runs with Dean when they were kids, and trying out the kung-fu moves, and being one hundred percent convinced he could kick a grown man’s ass when he was seven years old (but not Dean’s, because he only ever won when Dean let him) with martial arts skills learned from David Carradine, and he starts laughing, and he can’t stop until he starts crying, and he cries and cries until he feels like his head is going to split open and he throws the remote and starts packing up his shit again. 

There’s an eclipse in a week and a half. Sam knows the sigil Castiel had used to access the Purgatory souls. He has no idea if this is the right kind of eclipse or if this is supposed to be done in some certain location or whatever, but he’s turned this thing over in his mind a thousand times and he feels like he has to try. If souls can get out, maybe Dean and Cas can get out. Humans and angels don’t belong in Purgatory. Maybe if Sam can open the portal, it will just spit them out. It probably doesn’t want them anyway.

If they’re there. 

He needs the rest of the stuff, though. The blood. He’s got the monster blood, it’s not like that was a chore. It’s the other...Sam’s not really sure he can come back from this if he does it. But there’s an eight year old boy in a long term care facility near Midland, Texas who’s been brain dead for seven months. He figures he can get the...other blood there, from this boy who’s technically already dead for all intents and purposes. It’s not like he’s going to snatch some kid from a school bus stop like a pervert or something. 

It will all be worth it, if the spell works, and if that’s where Dean is, and if the spell will shoot Dean and Castiel back to the earthly plane. 

Sam’s heading south on 18, over the state line from New Mexico into Texas. He throws his empty Five-Hour Energy bottle onto the passenger side floorboard and thinks about how pissed off Dean would be to see the inside of his car right now. 

Then he thinks, again, about where he’s headed. And why. And how he’s going to explain it to Dean if it even works. And if Dean will ever forgive him for what he’s about to do. And if it doesn’t work. And if Dean is actually gone. Like, _dead_ dead. And if he’ll end up walking the Earth alone like Caine. 

He sees the shadow cross his headlights, but he can’t stop in time.


End file.
